too much

I want to preface this with "I am not suicidal and don't actually want to die"

Have you ever just wanted it all to stop? 

There is just so much. Mountains of MUCH that I can't hold anymore. I feel like I'm carryinga teetering stack of MUCH and my balancing act, my drunken stumbling meant to keep it all up in the air is about to fail as I move inexorably towards a misstep. Be it banana peel or the top of the stairs. I can see in slow motion as the top sways too far, past the point of no return, and starts towards the floor to shatter.

And I can't do it anymore. I am exhausted. I work my ass off to have a successful business and feel like I'm a shitty mom and wife. I feel like I'm neglecting my duties as a mother, house keeper, and wife. And I just don't want to be awake anymore. I don't want to keep trudging ever onward. 

I can't even talk to people about it for fear they will either make it about them and how they have it worse, or call for "help" that rips the good parts of my life apart.

And let's face it. There is no help. What help I need I can't afford. And what help is going to be offered is "here. Let us just take those children you would die for off your hands because you're a piece of shit." 

Even if I got a "real job" it wouldn't help. Who would take care of my kids while I was there? The entire paycheck would be going towards day care. 

What help I NEED is a second pair of hands and more hours in the day. A person to actually help with things. To not be made out as a monster for needing that help.

Basically I need a clone of me. Or 3.

I need one to work on the business creating. One to apparently do nothing but content creation. One to be a mother. Hell. That's not even enough. I need one to be a housewife too. Then I'd still have to figure out how to do everything that's left in the day. I am drowning and there isn't anyone willing to toss me a lifeline. They'd rather all comment on how I deserve it. On how I never deserved to be happy. To have these children. This house. This life. 

I just want to find a dark place and stay there forever. Because all of this MUCH is too much for me. But even failure isn't enough. I would have to abandon everything and run away to get a break. Even letting that precarious mountain of MUCH crash and shatter around me wouldn't bring an end. It would just be another mess for me to clean up.