sleep

You know how all the well meaning people tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps right after you have one? Only you can't bring yourself to because there are so many other things to do? Then, after months and months of sleep deprivation the baby starts sleeping through the night and you think, "Thank god!! I can finally catch up on some lost sleep!" Only you can't, because your body is so used to being woken multiple times a night that it keeps waking up for quite awhile?

Then around 1, you finally start to sleep longer stretches. Then around 3 you might actually get a full night sleep. 

Well, think about getting pregnant around the 18-24 month time frame and then having another baby around 2 1/2 years old of the older one. Now repeat that. Now you have an almost 3 year old, who sleeps perfectly through the night, so you SHOULD finally be getting sleep, only you decided to go back to work and school and your husband thinks that an extra 30 mins of sleep doesn't matter....

That's my life right now. And I suppose I can see his logic if I'd had an alarm go off and was going BACK to sleep. But if that extra 30 mins is an uninterrupted continuation of sleep, it matters. 

why?

He won't even do something as simple as pull food out of the oven for me without a compelling reason. Why does there need to be a reason other than you are closer to the oven? I just don't understand him.

Over the Sea to Skye

That opening song to Outlander has always hit me so hard. 

"Sing me a song of a lass that is gone. Say, could that lass be I?" I felt that. The person I was, the essence of ME seemed to be missing, and I couldn't find a way back.

"Billow and breeze, Islands and seas, mountains of rain and fog." That feeling of having absolutely no control over where I was or what I was experiencing. I had no hope of control for fair weather or storm. No hope of choosing the course the ship was on. 

"All that was good, all that was fair, all that was me is gone." Yet another reference to the loss of my identity. I felt that all the traits that made me shine from within had been snuffed out.

The song never seemed to bring me to Skye. To finish that hopeless journey and reach solid ground again. 

The folk singer I like to follow chose to do her own version, she mentioned looking back to see her footprints in the sand while she walked beside the ocean. And that's when I finally understood it all. I go to the ocean to heal the hurts of my heart. I get on that boat and travel to sky. 

But the journey since son's death wouldn't end. I couldn't heal. 

Getting the mental help I so desperately needed, but could not afford, has changed everything for me. I rode out the storm and found land once more. And I chose to leave that ship, and allow the sound of crashing waves to cleanse the grief from my heart and mind. And I have found her again, and she shines even brighter than before because she has walked through the fires of a living hell and come out stronger than before. 

taken a back

I gave my husband a glamor shot of me from my early 20s for Valentines Day. And recently he was taking about how confident I looked, and how sexy that confidence was. 

Fast-forward to today. 

I have a meeting at the college to hopefully get more help with schooling. So I wanted to look nice and not like the frumpy mild aged house wife I am. So I put on make up, and I wore a blazer. That's it. I had my hair brushed smooth and tied back and wore eye liner and lip liner that I usually blend with just chapstick.

When I got home, feeling on top of the world and full of that same confidence he said was sexy, I grabbed him by his lapels and pulled him in for a kiss. When he saw my face he pulled back.

Apparently I reminded him of someone else. Someone who went back to college and started dressing differently and wearing make up and changing her hair. Telling him that she was going to school to better their lives. To help provide for the family they were building. Then left him once she had her degree. 

How can I ever mend that wound? How do I get him to understand that we aren't BUILDING a family. We have already BUILT our family. And that with therapy and proper medication, it's an amazing one. I feel better, I'm more active, and I finally have the gumption to go back to school and get a useful degree. Because I don't want him to be stressed about being the only income. 

I wish she hadn't so brutally broken his trust. It makes it harder for him to not feel wary when I am suddenly changing too. I'm trying to change to make us better. 

too much

While I was cleaning the dining room my husband walks in the door, I'd just asked my sister in law if she'd watch the kids so my husband and I could do some big tasks that day. When he walks in I begin to tell him "after I'm done with this, we need to break down and take all the boxes to the recycling at the dump, and grab a load from the storage unit. It's been raining so I don't think we can use the trailer." 

Without a pause or hesitation, he says "I think there's something wrong with B. That kid is off his rocker."

And I am dumb founded. Here I am trying to discuss the huge project that he wants to work on and he's ignoring me to talk about our son? By tone of voice I can't tell if he's going to complain or laugh, but either one is not appropriate now.

"Seriously? I'm trying to discuss our plan of action for the day and you're interrupting to tell me about something B did?"

He said something like "oh. I didn't know that's what you were talking about. You have to preface that what you're about to say is important or else I filter it out."

And I'm just dumb founded. "This is why you think I'm bad at communicating. Because you're busy filtering out eat I'm saying. If you'd just LISTEN TO ME then our communication would be better."

And he says "You're so busy constantly filling their air waves that we have to interrupted you to even get 2 words in. And of course I have to filter through, you say so much that I can't try retaining ALL of it."

And I can hear a ringing in my ears. 

I used to be brilliant. When I spoke, classmates and professors listened. Coworkers and managers always listened to my suggestions. People appreciated the fact that I was there.

Several children and lots of emotional trauma later I feel like my mind is moth eaten. I can barely remember what I was saying when someone interrupts that it hardly matters what I was saying anyways.

I thought my husband appreciated hearing my thoughts. Whatever to discuss our opinions. But I was wrong. He's just like all the other men who say their wives are droning in the background. Nattering. Nagging. 

So I try to remain silent. He says I don't actually know how to listen. That EVERYONE thinks I talk to much. So I remain silent.

He tells me that I can give him the silent treatment all I like. That I am not capable of being quiet for long. And I tell him that he is right.

And I try HARDER not to speak. When I injure myself I bite back my outcry. It was my fault and i don't want to pollute the airwaves. I mean, it's just a stubbed toe. 

By the end of our day I'm limping from a twisted ankle. I have done 80% of the work myself. And I am still trying to only speak of its important. I know this is likely petty, but at this point pettiness might actually help me change.

I realize that my husband is right. That I talk too much. I Aldo realize that I'm no longer brilliant. I'm not clever and quick witted anymore. I've been saying this for years now. I also realize how silly my idea of going back to college to become a therapist is. I'd make a terrible counselor. How can I ever help others if I can't listen to them?

I can feel myself sinking back into the darkness I had started to escape from. 

I should go back to college anyways. I have no idea what I will do, but I have to do something. I'm so short tempered with the kids. No one values my efforts from home. Maybe if I'm away more the kids won't seem so overwhelming. Maybe they will want to see me. Maybe if I have a REAL job husband will appreciate me. Maybe I'm just lazy and worthless like the voice inside my head keeps saying. 

I don't know. All I know is it's been 3 days, and my husband has pointed out when I've interrupted him. So I'm trying even harder not to talk.

He also complains when i ask for help with things, so I'm trying to just do it myself. I'm just so tired and there is so much to do. I NEED the help. But no one wants to help me