caretaker

Always being the caretaker, never the one taken care of, is exhausting.

I have my own mental health issues and hang ups. 

I get sick. 

I feel broken and down. 

I deal with feelings of inadequacy.

I wonder if it's all worth it.

But when I finally break, no one is there to pick up the pieces. No one is there to comfort ME. Instead, I have a partner that seems to one up me in brokenness. 

Who will help me up from a minor fall, but when I shatter, instead of helping me pick up the pieces, he shatters himself. So that I have to pick up his pieces, and put him back together. 

But when any of his flaws is brought up, he acts like a wounded animal, lashing out. Saying if I "think he's so abusive" I should just leave.

I do not want to leave.

I do not think he does this on purpose. 

I think he needs help. Just not from me right now. Just like I need help. From a professional, who knows how to guide me through the darkness. 

Divorce

My husband offered me divorce today. See, up until this I have only written the bad days, the worst moments. But I still love my husband. And I miss being to woman he married. And I don't understand how he puts up with me, depressed and fight over flight anxious. I can't stand some of the things he does. But I love him. I don't want a divorce. 

What I want to to feel better. 

He said he doesn't feel loved. And said he wants communication. Then tried to start a fight.

You see, he overheard part of a therapy session. One where she asked me about taking an hour to myself each day and I explained why that wasn't possible. Apparently explaining that I can't take time in the morning because it irritates my husband when I get up without showering him with affection was offensive and made him sound abusive. 

I tried to explain that the therapy is to help me be a better wife. That by trying to leave now, when I have finally started getting the help I've been begging for for years is a bad idea.

He wants to feel loved, communication is how he wants that to go. Ok, I will work on that. 

I did point out that as I am accepting all the accusations of bad wifery, he needs to accept that I, too, do not feel loved. That I have been literally screaming for help for months and months and being ignored. 

It takes an hour but I finally coax him out of the basement and upstairs. I just wanted to try and make him feel loved. I rubbed his back until my own neck cramped and I couldn't anymore. And we snuggled. Me doing and touching all the things he wanted. Saying the things he wanted to hear. And then he tried to kiss me. And his breath was horrible. He hasn't brushed his teeth in 3 days. And I know he ate food that I'm allergic to yesterday. And I pointed out his bad breath, as politely as possible. 

He said "do you love me enough to kiss me anyway"

Like. Woah. What the actual fuck. 

When did love become "let me push your personal boundaries that are well established and if you don't comply you don't love me"

What happened to "I love you so I will respect your boundaries."?

He let it go. 

More time goes and he tired again. I kissed him close mouthed repeatedly and he tried open mouthed again. I could not do it. I have serious sensory issues and he knows it. Smell, taste, and texture are huge triggers for me. He KNEW trying to kiss me could make me actually vomit. But he did it anyways.

We lay there for a moment after he pulled away. Disgusted with me. And then he left.

I'm assuming he's off to sleep in the basement.

I want to feel bad and regret that. But I'm so mad at him right now. What he did crossed a line. Into what I would consider at the very least coercive behavior.

I felt very much like if I didn't kiss him, after not brushing his teeth for 3 days and after he ate food that could potentially make me sick if it's caught in his teeth, that I was saying that I don't love him. Never have. And he's better off with a divorce.

And another thing. He told me that I'm the only thing that makes living worth while. That if I leave he will be in a deep dark hole and never come out. Won't work. Won't eat. Nothing. But he doesn't show me he respects me. That he cares about pushing boundaries that make me feel gross. Not even just the kiss tonight. He pushes every boundary I have and respects none of them. 

therapy

I was told that daily Journaling, not just venting, are helpful. I've never had the time to do daily journals, but here is a thought provoking one today. 

"Do you startle easy"

This was a question that hit hard.

I have been trying to get mental health help for well over  a year now. First my primary doc brushed off my pleas for help. Then I found out the only therapy/counseling office didn't take my insurance. And then I finally gor poor enough for state insurance, which they take, and called to start the intake process. That was 4 months ago. 

It took a month to get the "intake" appointment.

Then another month for the orientation type one, where they start a care plan and diagnosis process.

Then another month to get an appointment with the medication staff for the needed medication. Only my brain is so bad at remembering that I missed the appointment by 5 mins and had to reschedule... for December. That would be 2 more months.

I lucked out and there was a cancelation and I talked to the holder of the prescriptions today and she ran through all the different things that might be wrong and their check lists. 

But this question was the one that caught me. Why? Because I do. I startle so hard that it almost causes a brief panic attack. And it drives my husband nuts while at the same time is mildly amusing to jump scare me. 

He can jump scare me even if I know he's coming. The kids can't. But he can. Honestly anyone but the kids can.

But I wasn't always like this. 

I used to be the solid one in the haunted house who might punch out the pour ghoul who tried to scared us while my girlfriends shrieked. But I became this way. 

I think back on the when of it, and it's when my son got sick, not the first hospital stay, or the second. It was the big one when doctors finally started listening when I was screaming to help him, that something is seriously wrong. 

And at the same time my ex's family were there trying to take photo and video to prove I was an unfit mother. That I was somehow causing this to happen. I started to be on high alert ALL THE TIME. Never trusting anyone, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

My entire last pregnancy I kept expecting to lose my baby because I was finally getting the girl I so desperately wanted.

I am still thinking over everything she asked me today and seeing something more than I did before. Perhaps I will try to wrap my head around each of them when they hit.

Everything is always about sex. Or I should say, my lack of sex drive. He makes feel like my value is decreased because of my low drive. Like I would be worth more to him if all I had to offer was a libido in overdrive. Why am I not enough? Why can he not see that I am worth rubies? If everything has only the value people place over it. What am I even worth?

different

Do you ever think about how different we are?

Not from each other. But from ourselves. The us of 5 or 10 years ago are completely different people. Me from 10 years ago would be in awe of who I am today. While I view her with scorn and shame. 

I don't necessarily view current me as great. But I can see the difference. And i think of me 10 years from now. And how much awe I would be in if I could see her now. And how far she will see she has come from current me. She may even view current me with some scorn or shame. 

I think we need to remember how different WE are when we talk to other people too. Because the people they are now may be nothing like what they were. And this could mean that the person we know now has pains we have never seen. Or it may mean the person we knew, if different now. And that we aren't seeing who they have BECOME. And when both parties are doing that, huge miscommunication can happen, and feelings be hurt without intention.