My period came after all. Two days earlier than expected. I had a very sad feeling I wasn't pregnant. I mean, trying for a girl only gave us about a 10% chance. But having it come early was like a gut punch. And I can't talk to anyone about it because my husband doesn't want people to know we tried. He's still not sure he wants to keep trying, but trying once was his anniversary gift to me. I'm trying hard not to push him into continuing to try if he's truly against another child, it just hurts that this could have been my only chance and it's over. Today I packed out all the baby clothes I saved for a friend. She's having a girl and won't need them. And the clothes another friend passed me for my niece are too small, and a small secret part of me wants to save a few pieces. But I almost feel that if I do, then I'm cursing myself. I have bought something girlie for every single baby and eventually had to give it away. It ripped open my heart every time. I can't handle that pain again. Especially if it just never happens.
I often sit here feeling selfish for wanting a daughter so badly. We have 4 beautiful sons. Why isn't my heart full? Shouldn't I just be grateful for the children I've been blessed with? Does it make me a terribly selfish person for wanting a 5th child JUST because I want a girl? I feel like I have no right to feel sad, to shed tears over our failed attempt. I mean, so many people cannot get pregnant at all, and here I am feeling sorry for myself for not getting pregnant a 6th time.
That's right, 6th. Four live boys and one miscarriage. For all I know that loss was a boy. But what if she was my only daughter? The only one I'll ever have? Maybe THATS why it's so hard? The unknown? Or maybe I am just selfish. All I know is that it hurts, and I can't even talk about it.
