late night ramblings of a depressed mind

Its funny what you think about in the middle of the night.
Apparently my love language is gifts. I LOVE giving people things.
See, I grew up in a home that after 1st grade or so, couldn't give much of anything to each other, let alone anyone else.
I used to wrap up little toys and dominoes and stuff and pretend to give them to my toys. Then, when I hit high school my grandparents started sending me a $20 bill in my Christmas card. I bought ALL of my friends Christmas presents. I mean, they were terrible, lol. Goodwill and the dollar store. But I always thought it was the thought that count.
When I got a job, my goal became to get the best gift ever. Like, to bring tears to the eyes because it was just so perfect. That moment, the one where my friend would tear up and hug me because I knew them so well. Priceless.
When I was pregnant with S, my baby shower was my very close friends and and my sister. I was 19, and about to be a single mom. My family did not support me in any way. When my second was born at 24, again, no family, not even my sister this time. 

And my 3rd? When I was actually married? Nothing. 4th. Nothing. It's not the gifts. Not at all. It's the lack of presence. No one came to show support. I felt like one of those little kids who had a birthday party and no one came. 

So now I tend to over compensate. When I'm invited, or even not, I want to shower that mother to be with my love and support. Because I didn't have that. 

Now, my mom is a jehovahs witness. Don't think this means she never gives gifts, not even close! She surprises us and they're amazing. It's more that I feel like I have to hide the gifts I give to my children for holidays or birthdays. Those moments used to be my time to shine. I used to feel so much joy picking out and making gifts for my family and so many others. Every person in our house used to get a stocking, adults included. And everyone got gifts. Everyone, even adults, used to get Easter baskets too. But now? Now I just don't see the point. I'm hiding the fact that I even celebrate these holidays from my mom. I don't get the joy from giving gifts that I used to.

I remember my last good Christmas as a kid. Turns out it was all thanks to toys for tots. When I got old enough to start donating to it, I did. When I married Eddie and we could adopt a family? Even better. I got to know I helped a family like mine, and no one ever had to know it was us. I felt like Santa. But somehow those things feel tainted now. Last year I sat and watched Jim Carrys rendition of the grind and sobbed my heart out. I miss Christmas. I miss Easter. I miss being able to enjoy birthdays. 

I don't know how much imof my depressive leanings is due to any of this. Or due to the upcoming birthday of my son. The fact that I have to do math to remember how old he would have been. It's like an arrow to the heart. The answer is 9, by the way. He'd have been 9 next month. 

dark days

I don't know if it's the time of year, my poor diet, my interrupted sleep, or something I haven't thought of, but I'm having a hard time right now. 

I feel like a terrible person, a terrible mom, and a terrible wife. I am so angry all the time. I find no joy in anything, even the things that normally make me happy. All I want to do is eat and sleep, and cry. 

I'm so unhappy all I want to do is cry. My heart is screaming "Help! HELP ME!" But I don't know what help I need. I don't know WHY I'm sad

run away

Have you ever wanted to just run away? I have. I remember being small and not being allowed to go further than the corner, so I'd pack my pink blanket with snacks and toys, tie it up and leave forever. Then get to the corner, unpack, eat, play, and curl up with my blanket. I KNOW my neighbor watched from her window until I got bored and packed up to go home. 

Once I had a driver's license I would just take a drive. Maybe to the ocean for the weekend. Maybe just the back roads until I felt calm again. 

But with 5 children it's hard to just take off when I'm feeling overwhelmed. And no matter how hard I try to leave another adult in charge and hide, they either find me or I feel so guilty for feeling this way that I go back. Still on empty, still overwhelmed, still on the verge of a nervous breakdown. 

When my husband gets to this point I send him off to his friend's house a few hours away for the weekend. He gets a break from the kids that's not work, and some guy time. Last time I sent him off, telling him he needed a break he said, "But what about you?" I told him "oh, I can go to B's house this summer, don't worry!" But then he pointed out something important. I don't go alone. I bring the kids. My littlest boys are BFFs with B's kids. If I tried to go alone there would be havoc. 

This last 2 weeks has been hell. G has been acting out, hitting B and destroying the baby's cans of formula (I literally do not produce even half the milk she needs even pumping for an hour every 3, so don't judge) and just doing every naughty thing he can think of. He needs me to watch him like a hawk, but I'm burnt out. I don't have the energy to chase ehim down, and baby gates no longer contain him. I'm emotionally exhausted and haven't had a single day away from children in 18 months. I didn't even get a Dat away when I had the baby since she was a home birth. I have had no more than a few hours away to run errands and get groceries. Not exactly a break. 

Tonight he ruined the 3rd can of formula this week. I am so mad I want to scream. I am so overwhelmed I want to get in my car and just drive. Drive away and stay away. Not forever. But for awhile. The churning feelings inside of me have me wanting to hurt myself to make it stop. 

See. We judge people, especially parents, for needing a break. I can't tell anyone how I feel, how desperately I need a few nights to actually sleep without being woken for food. To sleep without knowing if I didn't wait for G to sleep first he'd make messes. To sleep in as long as my poor battered body needs without the early to bed one waking me after just a few hours of sleep after the late to bed one.

I love my family, and I just need a few days without them to feel like a human again so I can dive back in.