I don't know if it's the boyfriend at 19 who went full Porto and said "You like the cocktail, don't you" while we were making out. Or the first guy I ever had sex with secretly recording us during intimate moments. But I HATE dirty talk. I have tried. I open my mouth and my throat closes up and I feel sick to my stomach. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS. And I HAVE explained this to my husband. I have told him about my past negative experiences but he says HE NEEDS ME to do this. But see, I already know that this is just another boundary he is trying to push. To push until I get tired of holding my ground and I give in, no matter how much it makes me cry. No matter how much it hurts and makes me hate myself and him. He never takes no for an answer. If you say no, sure, he doesn't just do it anyway. But he will push and push and push until you finally give in just so he shuts up and let's you sleep.
Yes. I am aware that this is borderline abusive behavior. But I meant it when I said til death do us part.
So as I'm reading the cajoling words of some article about how to talk dirty to your partner. Words meant to make someone feel comfortable with doing it. I am crying. And coming here to write instead. Because I DO NOT want to do this. I DO NOT want to do most of what he wants, but I have to in order to keep peace. To keep my family together. And to not lose everything I have built.
