Worst Mom Ever

Some days I feel like the worst mom ever. We have so much chaos that there's no dinner, or even a real lunch, until late. No one got dressed that day, and there is much yelling and nashing of teeth. 

Sometimes I slip and I don't check workbooks and spelling as often as I should *cough* daily *cough* and I'll suddenly find that they lied to me for weeks and didn't do a single thing. 

We had these same issues when they were in public school, so it's not much difference, but I still wonder if I should send them back. 

I know that part of this is how hard I had to work on my business, and now that my busy season is over I won't be spending as much time working as before, and I can focus more on the kids' lessons. 

I'm just left feeling like the worst mom ever today. 

not really a vent

Not really a vent. I'm just excited that my events are over for the year. I'm excited to start working on things for my kids again. And for me. I have so many ideas to work on next! And I do kind of want to do another entire summer of these things. So I will start in the new year, creating and putting things away for next year. Practicing new patterns, tweaking things here and there. Then, hopefully, I won't have to work as hard to keep up with demand next year. Also hoping I can convince my husband to get hisbutt out in the work shop to make me some wooden toys. 

What To Do...

Back story. My Father in Law is over 80 and lives with us. He had a dog who was quite an issue for us due to its love for only him and poor manners. It would go into my sitting room and pee on my things. So my husband made a house rule that the dog must stay in my FIL's room. 

Also back story. My FIL is my nearly 4 year olds best friend. And I will be quite honest in my jealousy over this relationship. My son has often cried bitterly at having to spend time with us and away from Pa because he wouldn't get to watch what he wanted or play with certain toys. It hurts my heart to feel second to anyone at this young age. So when my youngest started to toddle around I made it very clear he was not allowed in Pa's room. For MANY reasons. Like dog food in reach, paints, ECT ECT ECT. But most of all because I do not want to lose my last child to him. I want as much time being my son's beat friend as I can before he deserts me for Pa or anyone else. 

Today the dog, 15 years old, had a final health problem that was dire enough to warrant him being put down. My heart is so hurt for my FIL. While I may not have liked the dog (he peed on my things often) I understand the love one has for their pet, especially after so many years. I worry so much now that my FIL will give up living without his constant companion. This makes me want to let my baby in with Pa while he's here, but my heart is bitterly sore over the thought of him wanting Pa more than me the way his brother does. 

Will my 3 year old be enough to keep his grandpa grounded her for a few more years, long enough for my sweet baby to be old enough to be away from my all day long? Or will my sweet baby miss out on any part of a relationship with Pa, whether he will be old enough to remember it or not?

Hurt Feelings

Today was my best friends daughters birthday party. But it wasn't JUST the party. She was doing a huge Thanksgiving dinner for her hub's TWO families (his mom's and his dad's) and then her family. THEN cake and gifts. THEN going to see Frozen 2. I was SUPER excited for it all. Until she told me she hadn't actually WANTED to do it. She was so stressed out that she had to host (she's deep in morning sickness right now) but since His family was fighting over whose house they would have it at, she volunteered to stop the fighting. So I volunteered to lessen the chaos by keeping my brood away and then meeting them at the theater afterwards. She messaged me to let me know that baby girl had decided she needed a late name and they were skipping the theater but that we should come for the cake and gifts. We'd all go to the movies Tuesday. Since my gift was to be the popcorn bucket set at the theater, and since there were still going to be literally a dozen plus people at her house, I figured we'd stay home and work on our own Turkey Feast prep since we're hosting tomorrow. 

She posted on FB hours later pictures of them at the theater. They decided to go to a later showing after all. And didn't message me to join them. 

I'm not going to lie and say that my feelings aren't hurt. Deeply. And when I messaged, just asking if they changed their minds she responded "yes, she perked up after cake and gifts so we got anlier showing" then "You should have come to the party!" 

Now I am REALLY feeling hurt. I avoided it so as to not needlessly add to her stress and the chaos. And I feel as though I'm being punished for it. If I hadn't been SO excited it wouldn't hurt so much. But I put off going to the showings so far this week so I could go with them. Then when she messaged me I was SO tempted to just go to the movie alone, but thought that would be rude, so I'd wait to go with them. 

And they went without me. Maybe I should have added to the chaos anyways, since she DID invite us. Maybe I should have just gone and tried to maybe help clean up the wrapping paper mess or something, something to LESSEN the chaos as much as I could. I don't know. 

All I do know is that my feelings are hurt, and at 30+, I still don't know how to ask her if she did it on purpose and is upset with me for not coming to the cake and presents. Idk. 

Heart Ache

I think we all have something that makes our hearts ache. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. 

I know for some of my dearest family that it's to simply carry a child to term, or to get to BE a mother to any child at all. 

For me, it's a daughter. I have dreamed of her for more than half my life now. I can picture her so clearly with her blonde curls and big blue eyes. Eyes like my husband's, while I secretly hope they turn green like mine did. 

I would make her little dresses, and dollies. We would have tea parties all the time. I would teach her to sew and cook. Some day she would pick one of the many China sets in my possession as her own. 

But I was blessed with 5 sons. And of the 4 I get to raise, one hates my stuffies. They all love to watch me and "help" me cook. My oldest hates sewing, which hurts my heart a little more. There will be no dresses, though my 3 year old calls his stuffies his "dollies" so close enough, right? And as I have 4 sets of China, I'm assured that means one for each daughter in law.

But that's just not the same. When I see little dresses, or pictures of sweet baby girls in their lace tiaras, my heart HURTS. There is always a full ache, like am old wound long healed. But some days it rips open anew and I have left bleeding. And guilty. 

How can I be so selfish? I have 4 beautiful sons I get to raise and love, while one was called home, I got to keep 4. How dare I put voice to this pain I feel, when I have 4 children and others have none? Or speak of how we cannot RISK having more because of how ill I become, when others have only managed a single child, if any at all. 

I often feel as though I don't deserve the ones I have, so I have no right to wish for another.

We all have the wounds that make our hearts ache. This is just one of mine.

Depression

So my husband took vacation this week. Not to GO on vacation, but because he had a week he needed to take before he lost it. And so far, he's had a list of things he needed to get done. HIS LIST, not mine. And he hasn't felt up to doing any of it. Today he was still in bed, but awake, at 11:30. So I went to talk to him. He tells me he's depressed, but can't quite figure out why. Then goes on to tell me about all the things making him depressed. Like me not being a good house keeper. Me not liking our house, so he no longer feels any need to fix and improve it, since I don't want to be here anyways. This is where I want to tell you that we have 8 people living in what is TECHNICALLY a two bedroom. But it has 'bonus rooms' with no closets. The house has a rather long narrow galley kitchen that is just not in the right configuration for a family of our size to function well. It also sits on less than a 1/4 acre lot backed up to a hillside so we cannot expand as we would like. You know, push the kitchen wall out a few feet, tear down the molding garage and build a proper shop, that sort of thing. And I only let him know I didn't love the location and wished we had the space to exist. It's a bit of a small world for 4 boys. 

Over the summey husband had major surgery to reduce pressure on certain nerves that made him not be able to feel his fingers and caused him a great deal of pain. In the months leading up to that surgery we were CONSTANTLY working to improve the house. In my mind, this was to make it sellable, so that we could go find a house on several acres where our kids could run outside. Where we could build a giant shop. The bottom half for his wood working and an upstairs that was completely closed off from the dust for my sewing. I had grand dreams of a few chickens to provide the massive amount of eggs my kids eat, maybe raising our our pigs for bacon. My husband would make wooden toys to go with the soft ones I create and we could turn my small business into a family affair. But once his surgery happened it all changed. I knew he would need to time to heal before we could do much of the same fun we did before, but now... Now it's like he's a different person. Gone is the doting father who was happy snuggling the little ones after work. Gone is the happy husband who wanted to do work with me.

Today he said that the Garage being too full of all the tools my dad gave us, that we didn't REALLY have space for, is part of the problem too. When I tried to brain storm ideas he just started talking over me to complain about my bad habits, my poor attitude, ECT. And I'm not going to lie and say I'm perfect. I'm not. I spent this whole summer throwing myself into my sewing business to try to come up with the extra funds we were missing while he was on short term disability and we got half his pay. A lot of the household upkeep went undone, because I tried to make and do as much for my business as I could. I was frustrated with him for being unwilling to help with small tasks around the house during this time. Like making dinner. Or basic cleaning up. He couldn't change diapers after the surgery, and so he stopped being an involved father. He started simply yelling at the kids instead of redirecting like before. 

I also began to become depressed. It's hard for me to admit that our baby years are over. And that I will never have the daughter I so desperately want. So in the last two months after such a hectic summer of weekly events, I hit that downward slope into sadness. I lacked the interest to do anything, even keep up with custom orders for my business. I pulled through, and a few weeks ago started deep cleaning the house one room at a time. Then as I finished a room I started making an effort to KEEP it tidy. Which is not easy, let me tell you. But I'm trying. 

I still fall into that dark place of resentment and longing, but I'm trying to stay in the light and moving on. 

I'm rambling, I know. My point it, I understand where he is. I've been there. And I finally pulled out of it. So I don't resent him for being there. I encouraged him to take a break from here. I know how stressful it can be to constantly see all the things that are waiting for you, overwhelming you. And I hope he takes it. I hope he misses me while he's gone, and comes back in a few days wanting to be loving again. Wanting to work with me and see how hard I am working toake everything work. But I need him to work with me, rather than against me. All of his negativity overflows into me when he's like this. And it makes it hard to do the things he wants done so he won't be in such a dark place. 

Maybe my brother in law and I can cross a few things off my husband's list while he's gone. I'll do my best to keep the house as clean as it is now, and just hope that in time he will see me trying, and he will want to try too. 

sibling rivalry

As a mother of 4, you'd expect that I know how do deal with sibling rivalry. You'd be wrong. You see, my oldest was 4 when my second arrived. He adored his brother. Then when my second was found to be sickly, and then became disabled, my oldest made up games that allowed his brother to be a part of it without being able to physically play along. Then, when I married my husband and inherited my sweet step son he and my oldest were already great friends. And also old enough to talk through any issues that arose between them. 

When my third biological child arrived my second was 3 1/2 and completely in love. But he also passed from complications with his diagnosis 6 weeks after his baby brother was born. Then along came the baby. My 4th biological child. He was a joy to us all. And his oldest two brothers dote on him. My now 3 1/2 year old, 2 1/2 at the time, seemed to as well. 

BUT NOW.... 

Now my 3 year old is MEAN to his 1 year old brother. Steals his toys, pushes him down, and is just not nice to him. And the youngest, UGGGG! He pushes and shoves his brother and has taken to screaming when the 3 year old tries to hug him. And it's not like I can REALLY blame him! I'd scream too if someone who is usually mean and even physical with me came near again! I'm just so tired of the yelling. The baby is teething, again, and is FINALLY playing quietly for the first time in hours. So I begin dinner. Then not 5 minutes into this blessed semi silence, my 3 year old comes in and tries to steal the cars from his brother. Cars he doesn't normally even want to play with anymore. He's now taking the extreme pleasure in getting very close to his brother until he starts crying "No!" In a panic. How do I fix this?!? No matter how many times I've tried to sit him down and explain that his behaviors hurt people, and hurt his relationship with his baby brother, he does it minutes later. 

My only conclusion is that they're simply too close in age, yet not close enough. Pray for me. I certainly could use it right now. 

Preface

I want to start this whole thing off, in case anyone actually finds it, by saying this. I love my husband, my children, our home, and our lives. But sometimes I am left feeling inadequate, unappreciated, and frustrated. This blog is basically my diary. So read any future posts with the knowledge that I am an overall happy person, content with my very blessed life. But sometimes I just need to get the negative words out so I can let them go.