too much

While I was cleaning the dining room my husband walks in the door, I'd just asked my sister in law if she'd watch the kids so my husband and I could do some big tasks that day. When he walks in I begin to tell him "after I'm done with this, we need to break down and take all the boxes to the recycling at the dump, and grab a load from the storage unit. It's been raining so I don't think we can use the trailer." 

Without a pause or hesitation, he says "I think there's something wrong with B. That kid is off his rocker."

And I am dumb founded. Here I am trying to discuss the huge project that he wants to work on and he's ignoring me to talk about our son? By tone of voice I can't tell if he's going to complain or laugh, but either one is not appropriate now.

"Seriously? I'm trying to discuss our plan of action for the day and you're interrupting to tell me about something B did?"

He said something like "oh. I didn't know that's what you were talking about. You have to preface that what you're about to say is important or else I filter it out."

And I'm just dumb founded. "This is why you think I'm bad at communicating. Because you're busy filtering out eat I'm saying. If you'd just LISTEN TO ME then our communication would be better."

And he says "You're so busy constantly filling their air waves that we have to interrupted you to even get 2 words in. And of course I have to filter through, you say so much that I can't try retaining ALL of it."

And I can hear a ringing in my ears. 

I used to be brilliant. When I spoke, classmates and professors listened. Coworkers and managers always listened to my suggestions. People appreciated the fact that I was there.

Several children and lots of emotional trauma later I feel like my mind is moth eaten. I can barely remember what I was saying when someone interrupts that it hardly matters what I was saying anyways.

I thought my husband appreciated hearing my thoughts. Whatever to discuss our opinions. But I was wrong. He's just like all the other men who say their wives are droning in the background. Nattering. Nagging. 

So I try to remain silent. He says I don't actually know how to listen. That EVERYONE thinks I talk to much. So I remain silent.

He tells me that I can give him the silent treatment all I like. That I am not capable of being quiet for long. And I tell him that he is right.

And I try HARDER not to speak. When I injure myself I bite back my outcry. It was my fault and i don't want to pollute the airwaves. I mean, it's just a stubbed toe. 

By the end of our day I'm limping from a twisted ankle. I have done 80% of the work myself. And I am still trying to only speak of its important. I know this is likely petty, but at this point pettiness might actually help me change.

I realize that my husband is right. That I talk too much. I Aldo realize that I'm no longer brilliant. I'm not clever and quick witted anymore. I've been saying this for years now. I also realize how silly my idea of going back to college to become a therapist is. I'd make a terrible counselor. How can I ever help others if I can't listen to them?

I can feel myself sinking back into the darkness I had started to escape from. 

I should go back to college anyways. I have no idea what I will do, but I have to do something. I'm so short tempered with the kids. No one values my efforts from home. Maybe if I'm away more the kids won't seem so overwhelming. Maybe they will want to see me. Maybe if I have a REAL job husband will appreciate me. Maybe I'm just lazy and worthless like the voice inside my head keeps saying. 

I don't know. All I know is it's been 3 days, and my husband has pointed out when I've interrupted him. So I'm trying even harder not to talk.

He also complains when i ask for help with things, so I'm trying to just do it myself. I'm just so tired and there is so much to do. I NEED the help. But no one wants to help me