therapy

I was told that daily Journaling, not just venting, are helpful. I've never had the time to do daily journals, but here is a thought provoking one today. 

"Do you startle easy"

This was a question that hit hard.

I have been trying to get mental health help for well over  a year now. First my primary doc brushed off my pleas for help. Then I found out the only therapy/counseling office didn't take my insurance. And then I finally gor poor enough for state insurance, which they take, and called to start the intake process. That was 4 months ago. 

It took a month to get the "intake" appointment.

Then another month for the orientation type one, where they start a care plan and diagnosis process.

Then another month to get an appointment with the medication staff for the needed medication. Only my brain is so bad at remembering that I missed the appointment by 5 mins and had to reschedule... for December. That would be 2 more months.

I lucked out and there was a cancelation and I talked to the holder of the prescriptions today and she ran through all the different things that might be wrong and their check lists. 

But this question was the one that caught me. Why? Because I do. I startle so hard that it almost causes a brief panic attack. And it drives my husband nuts while at the same time is mildly amusing to jump scare me. 

He can jump scare me even if I know he's coming. The kids can't. But he can. Honestly anyone but the kids can.

But I wasn't always like this. 

I used to be the solid one in the haunted house who might punch out the pour ghoul who tried to scared us while my girlfriends shrieked. But I became this way. 

I think back on the when of it, and it's when my son got sick, not the first hospital stay, or the second. It was the big one when doctors finally started listening when I was screaming to help him, that something is seriously wrong. 

And at the same time my ex's family were there trying to take photo and video to prove I was an unfit mother. That I was somehow causing this to happen. I started to be on high alert ALL THE TIME. Never trusting anyone, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

My entire last pregnancy I kept expecting to lose my baby because I was finally getting the girl I so desperately wanted.

I am still thinking over everything she asked me today and seeing something more than I did before. Perhaps I will try to wrap my head around each of them when they hit.