caretaker

Always being the caretaker, never the one taken care of, is exhausting.

I have my own mental health issues and hang ups. 

I get sick. 

I feel broken and down. 

I deal with feelings of inadequacy.

I wonder if it's all worth it.

But when I finally break, no one is there to pick up the pieces. No one is there to comfort ME. Instead, I have a partner that seems to one up me in brokenness. 

Who will help me up from a minor fall, but when I shatter, instead of helping me pick up the pieces, he shatters himself. So that I have to pick up his pieces, and put him back together. 

But when any of his flaws is brought up, he acts like a wounded animal, lashing out. Saying if I "think he's so abusive" I should just leave.

I do not want to leave.

I do not think he does this on purpose. 

I think he needs help. Just not from me right now. Just like I need help. From a professional, who knows how to guide me through the darkness.