Divorce

My husband offered me divorce today. See, up until this I have only written the bad days, the worst moments. But I still love my husband. And I miss being to woman he married. And I don't understand how he puts up with me, depressed and fight over flight anxious. I can't stand some of the things he does. But I love him. I don't want a divorce. 

What I want to to feel better. 

He said he doesn't feel loved. And said he wants communication. Then tried to start a fight.

You see, he overheard part of a therapy session. One where she asked me about taking an hour to myself each day and I explained why that wasn't possible. Apparently explaining that I can't take time in the morning because it irritates my husband when I get up without showering him with affection was offensive and made him sound abusive. 

I tried to explain that the therapy is to help me be a better wife. That by trying to leave now, when I have finally started getting the help I've been begging for for years is a bad idea.

He wants to feel loved, communication is how he wants that to go. Ok, I will work on that. 

I did point out that as I am accepting all the accusations of bad wifery, he needs to accept that I, too, do not feel loved. That I have been literally screaming for help for months and months and being ignored. 

It takes an hour but I finally coax him out of the basement and upstairs. I just wanted to try and make him feel loved. I rubbed his back until my own neck cramped and I couldn't anymore. And we snuggled. Me doing and touching all the things he wanted. Saying the things he wanted to hear. And then he tried to kiss me. And his breath was horrible. He hasn't brushed his teeth in 3 days. And I know he ate food that I'm allergic to yesterday. And I pointed out his bad breath, as politely as possible. 

He said "do you love me enough to kiss me anyway"

Like. Woah. What the actual fuck. 

When did love become "let me push your personal boundaries that are well established and if you don't comply you don't love me"

What happened to "I love you so I will respect your boundaries."?

He let it go. 

More time goes and he tired again. I kissed him close mouthed repeatedly and he tried open mouthed again. I could not do it. I have serious sensory issues and he knows it. Smell, taste, and texture are huge triggers for me. He KNEW trying to kiss me could make me actually vomit. But he did it anyways.

We lay there for a moment after he pulled away. Disgusted with me. And then he left.

I'm assuming he's off to sleep in the basement.

I want to feel bad and regret that. But I'm so mad at him right now. What he did crossed a line. Into what I would consider at the very least coercive behavior.

I felt very much like if I didn't kiss him, after not brushing his teeth for 3 days and after he ate food that could potentially make me sick if it's caught in his teeth, that I was saying that I don't love him. Never have. And he's better off with a divorce.

And another thing. He told me that I'm the only thing that makes living worth while. That if I leave he will be in a deep dark hole and never come out. Won't work. Won't eat. Nothing. But he doesn't show me he respects me. That he cares about pushing boundaries that make me feel gross. Not even just the kiss tonight. He pushes every boundary I have and respects none of them.