run away

Have you ever wanted to just run away? I have. I remember being small and not being allowed to go further than the corner, so I'd pack my pink blanket with snacks and toys, tie it up and leave forever. Then get to the corner, unpack, eat, play, and curl up with my blanket. I KNOW my neighbor watched from her window until I got bored and packed up to go home. 

Once I had a driver's license I would just take a drive. Maybe to the ocean for the weekend. Maybe just the back roads until I felt calm again. 

But with 5 children it's hard to just take off when I'm feeling overwhelmed. And no matter how hard I try to leave another adult in charge and hide, they either find me or I feel so guilty for feeling this way that I go back. Still on empty, still overwhelmed, still on the verge of a nervous breakdown. 

When my husband gets to this point I send him off to his friend's house a few hours away for the weekend. He gets a break from the kids that's not work, and some guy time. Last time I sent him off, telling him he needed a break he said, "But what about you?" I told him "oh, I can go to B's house this summer, don't worry!" But then he pointed out something important. I don't go alone. I bring the kids. My littlest boys are BFFs with B's kids. If I tried to go alone there would be havoc. 

This last 2 weeks has been hell. G has been acting out, hitting B and destroying the baby's cans of formula (I literally do not produce even half the milk she needs even pumping for an hour every 3, so don't judge) and just doing every naughty thing he can think of. He needs me to watch him like a hawk, but I'm burnt out. I don't have the energy to chase ehim down, and baby gates no longer contain him. I'm emotionally exhausted and haven't had a single day away from children in 18 months. I didn't even get a Dat away when I had the baby since she was a home birth. I have had no more than a few hours away to run errands and get groceries. Not exactly a break. 

Tonight he ruined the 3rd can of formula this week. I am so mad I want to scream. I am so overwhelmed I want to get in my car and just drive. Drive away and stay away. Not forever. But for awhile. The churning feelings inside of me have me wanting to hurt myself to make it stop. 

See. We judge people, especially parents, for needing a break. I can't tell anyone how I feel, how desperately I need a few nights to actually sleep without being woken for food. To sleep without knowing if I didn't wait for G to sleep first he'd make messes. To sleep in as long as my poor battered body needs without the early to bed one waking me after just a few hours of sleep after the late to bed one.

I love my family, and I just need a few days without them to feel like a human again so I can dive back in.